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This is a collaborative post. All opinions are my own.
This month, Ben and I will celebrate our ten year anniversary. TEN YEARS. A full decade. 3,620 days ago, I was zipping up a lace-lined white dress, my hair curled and my fingernails French-tipped, getting ready to walk down the aisle to the love of my life. We stood in front of an old, mossy apple tree and promised to love each other through thick and through thin, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. We may have been young (twenty one and twenty three), but we meant what we said. And though we've had our fair share of ups and downs over the past ten years, our love is deeper and stronger than it ever was. We have so much to celebrate and appreciate from the past ten years, and so much more to look forward to in the decades to come. I'm sure that ten years from now, we'll probably have much wiser advice to share. But for now, I thought I'd share some lessons learned, in no particular order, for the stage of marriage that we have experienced so far.
1. You have to actually communicate your expectations. If you want something to happen, you have to make it clear. You can't just hope your spouse will magically figure out your needs based on vague hints and telepathy. Talking about your feelings and asking for what you need requires being vulnerable and upfront with each other. Chances are, you both want to make each other happy, so open up and have those honest heart-to-heart conversations. This will save you from a lot of mutual disappointment. By the way, this also applies to negative things. If you're unhappy with something in your relationship, you have to let the other person know...you can't expect them to just know what's bothering you. A tough conversation is better than harboring resentment.
2. Pick your battles. Ok I know I just said to speak up about the things that are bugging you, but that doesn't mean you have to call attention to every little thing that irritates you. It’s not your job to “improve” your spouse or point out their flaws. There are big, important things you need to be on the same page about (you know, things like parenting and finances). Then there are little, meaningless things that aren't worth the argument...like if the other person squeezes the toothpaste tube "wrong", if they set the thermostat too hot/cold, if they forgot something from your shopping list, if they failed to put a new liner in the trash can, and so many other stupid things that couples fight about. ;)
3. The couple that laughs together, stays together. Speaking of those stupid battles (because they'll inevitably come up)...sometimes you gotta just look at each other, realize what ridiculous thing you're fighting about, and laugh. Laughing is the quickest way to de-escalate a situation and diffuse the tension. And in a positive sense, it's also a great way to connect. Have inside jokes, be silly with each other, watch funny shows, do weird things to crack the other person up, and giggle together. Laughter is the soundtrack to a great marriage.
4. Speak well of each other. This one is important. Be the president of your spouse's fan club. Compliment them, praise them, thank them often, and say nice things about them...both in front of them and behind their back. Don't bash your spouse in front of your friends, and try not to criticize them when you're alone. Words have the power to either build up or break down.
5. Find joint hobbies. A lot of people will tell you that it's important to maintain your separate interests, but I think it's even more important to find things you enjoy doing together. Having fun strengthens your relationship and deepens your bond. It makes you friends as well as spouses. Some of our favorite joint activities are hiking, playing games, and travel (above is our honeymoon to Puerto Vallarta, our first trip together. Since then, traveling has yielded many of our best memories). Parenting has changed the activities we're able to do together, but even in this stage of babies and toddlers, we try to find experiences we can share--even if it's as simple as a TV show we watch together, or a book we both read and discuss.
6. Prioritize time with each other. Before kids, this was easy for us. In our current life stage, it can definitely be a challenge to spend quality time together (our conversations are often usurped by poopy diapers and breaking up kids' fights). But as important as parenting is, it's even more essential to prioritize our marriage. Date nights are definitely nice...but making time for each other doesn't have to mean going to a restaurant. It could simply mean making the most of the time we do have--even if that's just at home, once the kids go to sleep. For us, it means putting the phones down, giving each other our undivided attention, and being fully present.
7. Material things don't make us happy. It can be tempting to blow your budget on bigger, nicer, newer things--especially when your peers are doing the same. But trying to keep up with the Joneses is a recipe for unhappiness. Ten years ago, it seemed so important to me to have a big, pretty diamond ring, but now I hardly think about it. In hindsight, I wish I would have known about ways to save money on my engagement ring, like buying a lab-created diamond. The price savings over mined diamonds would have allowed us to get the type of ring I wanted and leave more money in the bank for our early married life (plus, these diamonds are 100% conflict-free). Whether it's a ring, a car, a house, or something smaller, it's always smart to look for ways to save money and stay on budget. And if you can't find a perfect win-win, remember that material things don't make us happy in a meaningful and long-lasting way. Finances are one of the biggest causes of marital discord, so it's never worth insisting on buying something you can't afford.
8. Life is not a competition. Again, this applies to keeping up with the Joneses. Don't compare your relationship to that of your friends, or (worse) the people you follow on social media. Even more so, it applies to comparing yourself with your spouse. Try not to evaluate who "does" more. It's not a competition, and keeping score will only lead to arguments and resentment. After all, it's not possible for everything to be perfectly balanced and equal. Especially as your roles get redefined in early parenthood, it's important to remember: we are not competitors, we are a team.
9. Not getting your way is not always a bad thing. Coming from two different backgrounds and being two different people, conflict is inevitable. There will be many times that you have clashing, differing points of view. This is healthy and normal (in fact, if you never disagree that probably means one of you is holding back their true feelings, see #1). The great thing is, sometimes what you come up with together will be better than what either one of you would've chosen alone. As an example, I really wanted to go on a trip to Europe before we had kids...Ben wasn't very interested in Europe, but as a compromise to me, he asked if we could see Iceland as one of the countries. At the time, I had never heard of anyone visiting Iceland, but it turned out to be amazing and one of my favorite travel destinations ever!
10. Listening is important. This can also be taken in multiple ways. When your spouse tells you how they're feeling, listen. Listen to understand, not just to respond. On the other hand, when you're talking, listen to what's coming out of your own mouth: your tone of voice, and the words you're using.
11. Dream together. I love this one. Discuss your future together. Have shared dreams, not just separate individual dreams. Set goals for yourselves as a family, and scheme and plan how to reach them together. This will help you stay on the same page about the big things. Plus, it's a fun conversation that will help you learn more about each other's innermost hopes.
12. A little kindness goes a long way. Last but not least, be kind to each other. Show your appreciation for all that your spouse does, whether it's by buying their favorite ice cream at the store, giving them a backrub, or simply saying "thank you so much." Acknowledging the sacrifices that the other person makes and recognizing all the hard work they do, can go a long way towards maintaining a happy marriage.
P.S. I wrote a similar post back in February, with marriage advice for our younger selves. This time, I tried to share some different pieces of advice...but I still agree with everything I wrote in that post as well! What other lessons would you add?
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